Stupid Vice Captains
by meash
Summary: Hitsu's life goes from troublesome to What the hell? when his vice captain suddenly leaves for the Bahamas and is replaced by none other then the strange, wacky female former captain of the 10th div.But will Hitsu's hate for this girl change over time?


_Mwahaha! I, Meash-chan have managed to get readers here! (I'm rather proud of myself 3) Well … I didn't really think hard about what to put for my first author's note so here it is. My inspiration for this story is merely that there are barely any funny Hitsu fics! I was so distressed once I was done reading bleach to realize that there aren't nearly as many funny fics as I expected, thus making me start writing a story of my own. It started off a HitsuxHina fic which seriously lacked plot (my bad!) then that's when it hit me! Hinamori is hard to make funny! So then that's when I decided to put someone else for Hitsu to fall in love with (yes … I am dip-crap at writing anything other then romance . ) I put Matsumoto in her place, but it lacked even more plot … and personally I find it kind of pedophilish for her to have a thing for him (I think it's even pedophilish for me to think he's cute! tear … I like little boys ;;) anyway, I couldn't really think of any good Shounen ai pairings so screw that so I went to my last possible resort! Make him fall in love with an OC! And then I thought of plot! … a lot of it actually … I can't figure out what to put down and what not to! ;; … and usually OC characters suck but this one rocks! She's so random; if she was real I'd kiss her. … Actually no … I don't swing that way … what the hell am I thinking!? … Ignore all that. …. So yes! My goal for this story is: to be funny. And that is it! … So enjoy! _

_Disclaimer: Nope … I dunn own Bleach, but I do own Morihashi Izumi and all of the freakin' great one-liners I put in this! … But If I did own Bleach this would be the pairings: Hitsugaya x Hinamori (they're so cute together!), Matsumoto x Shuuhei, Yumichika x Isane (seriously! Why am I the only one that loves this couple! … I feel so alone!), Rukia x Renji (my friends think it's like incest but no brother and sister are that close so they have to be a couple!) And Ishida x Ichigo (xDDDD seriously I love that pairing even though it is completely IMPOSSIBLE … and anyway Ishida has low blood pressure and I don't know if he can eat strawberries … whoa that just got dirty!)_

Stupid Vice Captains …

Hitsugaya stood up from his desk and his never ending pile of paper work to do; cursing his lack of subordinates to do the work load he had left on the desk along with other things. He stormed out of his office, his face stained with frustration and annoyance.

"Matsumoto is such a pain … I let her slack off on her paper work, drink sake all day long, sleep in late and this is what she does to me …" he ranted to himself with an aggravated tone.

"Have I ever come into my office completely drunk? No. Have I ever fallen asleep on the couch? No. Have I ever come into my office hours late? No. Have I ever thrown the paper work I was supposed to do, at my captain? No. Have I ever left for no god forsaken reason making the other person completely stranded!? No!" He continued ranting; working himself up into a furry, getting louder and louder.

As he walked by the eleventh division training grounds, he couldn't help but notice everyone's head turn, staring at him, into his general direction. He didn't think he was _that_ loud, but who wouldn't be after their vice captain ditched them when they need 'em the most?

Sighing he turned to glare at them. "Continue doing your training, now!" He said with an aggravated tone. One half of the group continued what they were doing, but the other half just raised their eyebrow at the white haired captain. Toshiro would usually give them an icy stare, which he had mastered by this time, but he was too worked up and annoyed to do so.

Matsumoto and him had been preparing for the war against Aizen for a few months now, and all they really needed to do now is get some more recruits; preferably fairly powerful shinigami, but when he least expected it she got up and left! Matsumoto, the vice captain from hell, left! Unfortunately for him she also left behind a badly written note saying; "Bye! Bye! See ya later! Gone to the Bahamas! Be back after the war! Have fun!"

Hitsugaya continued walking, annoyed and at the point that he could be considered potentially dangerous with sharp objects. The last time he had been so worked up he stabbed someone's hand with a spork and he paid the price for doing something so irrational but he still didn't regret stabbing the obnoxious Yumichika.

"Hitsugaya-taichou. We need you for a meeting with the captains and vice captains." A voice came from behind him. He could clearly tell that it was Renji's voice right away, considering it had that just slightly lazy tone to it.

Toshiro stopped in his tracks. He was panting slightly, the result of his anger, and he was in no mood to go to a meeting full of lectures. He turned slowly, his fists clenched; he glared at Renji as if he was trying to rip him apart with his eyes.

"Gehh!" Renji said jumping back just slightly. He didn't realize that Hitsugaya was so angry. Personally he would try avoiding this captain when he was this angry, knowing that he'd stab him with random objects otherwise, he'd seen it happen twice. "Uhh … If it's a bad time for you, we can reschedule."

Hitsugaya sighed, trying to calm himself. It really wasn't necessary, for them to reschedule just because he hasn't gotten his beauty sleep yet. "That isn't necessary."

He began walking in the direction of where Renji came from. Renji followed a few feet behind, keeping his distance. Hitsugaya could tell that Renji had a general fear of him when he was angry, he couldn't blame him, he wouldn't want to be mangled by some short kid for any apparent reason either. Three minutes had gone by and they were finally at the main captain's building, by then he had calmed himself down by this time. He walked through the maze of doors and finally found the meeting room, about 14 of the captains and vice captains were already there, sitting in the new comfortable couches. Just lately the main directors had decided to give them new couches instead of making them sit on the ground. The shinigami claimed that making them sit on the cold ground would give more stress then they needed. He couldn't remember why exactly he started hating the overgrown leather chairs but all he knew is that he didn't like them. The room was fairly big, with thirteen couches along the walls and a desk in the middle; obviously for the person speaking. Each couch could fit only two people, the captain and vice captain. He would be sitting alone this meeting.

Hitsugaya walked over to the 10th division couch and went to sit back when he realized just exactly why he hated the new seats; his feet couldn't reach the ground. He groaned, cursing his stupid height. He slid back on the couch, sitting a bit awkward considering that he couldn't even bend his knees, from the monstrous size of the thing. A few captains including Zenpachi and Ukitake chuckled, this did not humor him.

Byakuya walked up to desk in the middle, that was strange considering that usually old man Yamamoto-Genryūsai would be normally the one doing this.

"We've come here to speak about how we don't have enough shinigami to fight on the front lines of the war that will soon be with Aizen." Byakuya said.

Hitsugaya also noticed that there were a lot of divisions missing, which was strange considering that they would usually have everyone here for meetings.

"The first, second, third, fourth and fifth divisions are already aware of this and are at the earth trying to find people with strong spiritual powers. So they will not be joining us for a few of months." Byakuya continued. Hitsugaya was a bit disappointed. He usually spent all of his spare time with Momo; it would be rather hard to find someone else to talk to while she's gone.

"If they find someone with strong enough spiritual powers along with valuable fighting skills, Mayuri-san and the rest of the 12th division will use their skills and find a way to turn them into shinigami, such as Ichigo-san of the living world." He explained.

"What!? We're getting kids from the living world to do all the dirty work for us!? We don't need them! We can rip them apart with our bare hands!!" Kenpachi yelled slamming his fists on the arms of the couch, Yachiru agreed to everything he said.

"That's where you're wrong. We don't have enough fighters; in order to win we need more shinigami." Byakuya said completely dismissing Kenpachi who glared at him.

"The main issue tonight is to find someone to replace the missing leaders." Byakuya said staring quickly at Hitsugaya and Shuuhei. Shuuhei groaned, it would be troublesome to find someone to replace Tousen who has recently turned evil. However his expression changed fast.

"So does that make me captain?" Shuuhei asked with a cocky tone.

"No."

"What!?" Shuuhei answered looking rather surprised. Renji started laughing, but stopped when Byakuya looked in his general direction.

"There are only three ways to become captain and you haven't acquired either of which." His tone was cruel, yet Shuuhei's reaction was surprisingly entertaining for everyone else in the room.  
He looked into the direction of Hitsugaya with a blank, uncaring stare.

"Is it true that Matsumoto has left?" He asked.

"Yes, it is." Hitsugaya answered, followed by a deep breath. It will be very troublesome to find someone to replace Matsumoto.

"We'll deal with you're problem first."

Shuuhei was slouching, with his arms crossed, whining at the fact that he still wouldn't get to be captain.

"I took the liberty of searching for someone reasonable to replace Matsumoto …"

" … more like you took the liberty of telling me to spend four hours looking up someone to replace her, while you slept …" Renji said with a pout, however Byakuya acted as if he didn't hear him.

"Renji and I came up with the decision that she'll be replaced by the former captain of the 10th division." As soon as he said that everyone in the room erupted with laughter, disbelief and joy. All of which a good result.

"I knew we'd bring Izumi back! It's about god damn time!" Kenpachi said with glee.

"Yay! Gigen-chan!" Yachiru exclaimed.

"Eh?" Hitsugaya simply said. He knew that there was a _former_ captain of his division, but was she really that important? He must have missed something, and obviously everyone else hadn't.

All became quiet once again; content with Byakuya's choice. Kenpachi smiled evilly, like usual. Yachiru swayed back and forth as if she was listening to music in her mind. Shunsei smiled, looking off into the distance as if he was remembering things. Nanoe sat still looking down with a slight hint of a smile as if remembering something entertaining as well. Everyone in the room looked content, yet Hitsugaya had absolutely no idea why.

"Morihashi Izumi resigned from 10th division captain a long time ago, and you were put there as her replacement."

Hitsugaya remembered that when he first became captain Matsumoto had constantly talked about her former friend; Izumi, who left for no reason. Matsumoto had been the vice captain longer then he had been in the tenth division, so this girl who his vice captain didn't shut up about for a few months must have been the former captain. Matsumoto claimed that suddenly, out of the blue, when her life was going great, she ditched everyone to live on earth. She left behind a note explaining that she didn't like having that much responsibility and earth had hotter guys anyways. … Or something like that …

"We've found some information about the area she might be living in." He passed Hitsugaya a folder full of information about were she might be and some information about her.

"You're going to have to go to earth and find her. Feel free to bring along anyone you'd think would come in handy." Byakuya said, walking back to the middle of the room.

"You'll need more than one shinigami for that job." Shuuhei said with a devious smirk on his face.

"Ehh …? " Hitsugaya looked at the huge bundle of papers. Was he suppose to read all of this? He already had a huge amount of paper work to do, since Matsumoto didn't bother doing any of it before she left.

"I'd be willing to help figure out were she is and come with you to Tokyo." Renji said, not bothering to hide the fact that he really wanted to come along.

Toshiro sighed. "If anyone wants to come, feel free." Hitsugaya said, sounding relaxed. Judging by how excited everyone had gotten when Byakuya said that this Izumi girl would be coming back he should be able to get more then enough people begging to come along.

Everyone looked around to see if anyone would respond, they didn't want to sound rude jumping in right away. Finally someone spoke up. Sure enough it was Kenpachi.

"I can't come but I have two perfect guys for you!" He said with enthusiasm. "Ikkaku and Yumichika! Those guys have always gotten along with her!"

"I get along with her! I wanna go! I can go! I wanna see Gigan-chan!" Yachiru begged jumping on the couch having a temper tantrum.

Kenpachi sighed. "We both can't go we have to train." He said to her seriously.

"That's not fair!" Yachiru said almost with tears in her eyes, making an adorable pout.

"Hitsugaya-san. Go home, read those files, early in the morning you, Renji, Ikkaku and Yumichika will go and search for her." With that he dismissed everyone, free to leave, or in Hitsugaya's case; read tones of paper about some weird chick he has never met in his life.

- - -

He was finally home. By this time, it was already quite late. He had just finished eating some fresh sushi and had a nice cup of green tea to drink as he set himself up to read all the files about this mysterious ex. captain.

He opened up the folder and read the first page. In large letters it said "Morihashi Izumi" and he continued reading.

"What the hell?"

From what he could tell, the people who wrote this, must have been insane. The paper had details about everything! It even included that she thinks that "Paper Plate" would be a good porn star name.

"Having her as a vice captain will be very interesting …" Hitsugaya said in his breath.

He continued reading:

"Favorite food: beef jerky

Least favorite food: anything that rhymes with mafia.

Favorite day of the week: Saturday.

Least favorite day of the week: Monday and a half

Warnings: Remember never to wear purple on a Thursday around Izumi."

Hitsugaya put the papers down. He really didn't have the patience to read something so psychotic this late, he'd do it some other time.

Hitsugaya walked over to his room, changed and went to bed. Until the morning.

- - -

The morning went by fast. Before he knew it, Hitsugaya was on the earth, with three loud shinigami. They were all forced to have a gigai made with love by the 12th division. They wandered around aimlessly for a few hours, none of them had any idea where they were. They're goal was to find Nara High which was suppose to be the high school in which she was currently attending.

"Where the hell are we?" Ikkaku asked annoyed. He was starving and exhausted. It was noon and they still hadn't eaten anything.

"Why the hell would I know!?" Renji replied with the same amount of aggravation, as Yumichika was brushing his hair with a small comb.

"We should be close." Hitsugaya said. Unlike his three companions he was trying to sense where the most rietsu was in order to find her. He knew that she was a captain and had probably gotten stronger over the years so he would just follow his senses.

"And how would you know?" Ikkaku said in an annoyed fashion to Hitsugaya, who in return gave him an evil glare. Ikkaku turned his head the other way and kept on walking in the directions Hitsugaya told them to.

A few hours passed and they all realized that it would take a long time for them to find her with only a vague area, they also realized that they would soon starve to death if they didn't eat soon. Yumichika complained about how such a beautiful person like himself shouldn't be forced to do such exhausting work. Renji would occasionally threaten to kill Yumichika for talking non stop and Ikkaku was completely silent, absorbed in his own thoughts, which you could tell were unpleasant by the look on his face.

Hitsugaya sighed. "Lets go to that park," he pointed his thumb to the lot of grass and trees overlooking a river to their left. "I'll search through my information about her." Agreeing they all followed him, mostly because they were too tired from walking around all day to actually question his methods.

He flipped through the pages. Sure! He found lots of information! None of which had any general worth though. He really doubted that he'd use information about sexy acters to his advantage … ever! The sun was setting and personally he wanted to go home and have a nice cup of tea. Renji, Ikkaku and Yumichika sat on a bench, slouching and closed their eyes to relax. Hitsugaya sighed, this was going to be a long day, or two or couple weeks; until they found Izumi. He leaned back to close his eyes, from exhaustion for a few moments but he soon realized that he was falling asleep. He was completely absorbed in his own thought about how his life was going to be once this Izumi girl would be vice-captain. About 15 minutes passed and they were all still doing nothing, apparently that what the feminists say, that guys can't do two things at the same time, is true. The birds were soothing and relaxing, he could hear traffic in the distance but he ignored that. The grass felt soft in his hands …

"Is it just me, or have you guys gotten uglier since I last saw you?" a voice suddenly said from behind them, making them all jump. This couldn't help but annoy him, he turned around to vent at the person but was interupted.

"Izumi!" Renji yelled jolting up from the bench with a sudden spasm of energy.

That's when it hit the surprisingly oblivious genius; the girl that they were looking for, for hours had just found them. He stood up, to get a better view of her. She had dark brown hair, pulled into a tight ponytail but the over grown bangs which sat lazily around her face were blonde. There was a boyish looking sage green backpack strapped onto her shoulders. She had shades which she wore covering one third of her half lidded eyes, attempting to either make her look "cool" or older. Her eyes were a light green which made her stick out, also giving her a very earthy tone to her whole look. However, that wasn't the thing that shocked Hitsugaya, the thing that really shocked him was the fact that she wasn't any taller then him.

"Where the hell have you been!?" Ikkaku yelled.

"We've been searching for hours for you." Yumichika added fixing his hair.

"Temper, temper." She said laughing to her self. "God, it's been a while. Ji-chan, Ku-chan, Chika-chan. Damn you all look like you're starving …" She said crossing her arms. She then looked into Toshiro's direction, raising an eyebrow "And, who might you be?" the girl asked pointing over to him. Her tone was a bit uncaring, and degrading; she sounded like the generally cocky person.

Before he got a chance to reply, someone else already had. "He's the captain of the 10th division. You're replacement; for freakin' ditching us." Renji said, accusing the girl, who just shook her head, still in disbelief that she found _them_ out of all people.

"My replacement, eh?" Izumi said leaning back, a raised eyebrow and her arms still crossed. She looked up and down Toshiro which was frankly very degrading. "Damn … why are all the 10th division captains so short!" she said with a helpless look on her face. Hitsugaya was annoyed, sure he was short, sure she was short but was it really necessary to announce it!

"How tall are you? 4'8" !" Ikkaku said attempting to annoy her.

"Noo! I'm 5 foot." She answered. Another ironic thought that struck Hitsugaya is that, well he was 5 foot, are all the captains usually this alike?

" All Beautiful people are tall …" Yumichika said looking away from the former captain. She glared at him, but he didn't seem to notice. She walked up to Yumichika and kicked him in the shin.

"Bastard …" she said in her breath as her victim yelped and held his leg in pain. Both Renji and Ikkaku laughed at his pain while Hitsugaya couldn't believe that he would have to put up with someone who acted exactly like those two loud mouths. For a second he stopped complaining in his mind, and realized how tired and hungry he was.

"We should really get back to the main subject …" he started, giving obvious hints that he wanted to get back to Soul Society to have a good meal.

"Oh, there's a matter of business now?" Izumi said with a slightly evil expression on her face. Toshiro groaned, every time that expression has come up during conversations he has been forced to listen to, the subject has always changed. People's A.D.D. in the Soul Society never seized to amaze him.

"Am I a hooker all of a sudden? Sorry I don't go for short girly men." She said pointing to him. He couldn't believe what she just said. She mocked his height and his masculinity!

"You're one to talk …" he said more aggravated then usual. To think that Rangiku was a hand full, this chick was far worse.

"And what's that suppose to mean?" She said glaring at him.

"This is an awfully one sided argument." Yumichika stated. Both Hitsugaya and Izumi glared at him.

"Before Izumi kills someone … or Hitsugaya-taichou stabs someone with a spork, we have to ask you a question." Toshiro didn't appreciate Renji's statement which interupted their half argument. Izumi raised her eyebrow.

"And what might that be?" she asked.

"We're running low on shinigami for the damn war." Ikkaku said, interupting Renji, just slightly annoying him. "Also Rangiku randomly left for the Bahamas yesterday, so you have to replace her as vice captain." He continued. The expression on Izumi's face was priceless, she looked rather shocked; was it the fact that they wanted her; a former captain to serve under Hitsugaya, maybe it was that there was going to be a war, maybe it was that Rangiku ditched everyone or the fact that the sun reflecting off Ikkaku's head had made her blind at that very moment, we shall never know.

"So … I'll be serving under you?" She said pointing to Toshiro, sounding cocky like usual.

"Hai …" Toshiro said in his breath.

Izumi gave a little snort and continued on one of her usual rants; "Only under one condition." She announced throwing her back pack off of her shoulders. "I talked to Rangiku a few days ago, so I already know that she ditched you guys, but …"

"You talked to Rangiku a few days ago?" Hitsugaya asked rather shocked, most likely with the same expression she had … why the hell would _she_ know!?

She laughed. "Giku-chan comes to visit once every two months. But that wasn't what I was talking about." She continued shuffling through her bag, pulling out a huge bundle of magazines. Once she had them stacked in her arms she walked over to Hitsugaya. He raised his eyebrow. 'What the heck does magazines have to do with anything?'

"Well …" she continued, she looked down at the magazines with an annoyed, angry, deathful expression on her face. There must have been a story behind them, explaining why the get her so pissed off.

"Knowing Giku-chan …" she the short brunette said. "She decided to hide her freakin' porno stash in my floor boards! Good god! My land lord came to visit for a little while and it was all good until I heard someone yell; "What the hell is this?" from the kitchen!" she said practically throwing the magazines in Toshiro's arms. Ikkaku, Renji and Yumichika started laughing uncontrollably as Izumi glared at them.

"Anyway, just put it in her normal stash under the captain's desk so it doesn't have to taint the innocence of anyone else."

Toshiro hesitated a result of being speechless and disgusted. He then looked down at the magazines in his hands, seeing a half naked man.

"Gahh!" he exclaimed throwing the huge bungle onto the ground. Everyone else started laughing even harder, however the girl just chuckled.

"Okay, that expression was just priceless. I'll go with you anyway … but you're officially in charge of those nasty magazines." The girl turned around guessing the direction in which they came.

All three of the other companions had stopped laughing and were having conversations with the new vice captain. Toshiro couldn't help but look back down at the magazines, making him jump. He caught back up to the other four.

"Hey! Aren't you in charge of those nasty magazines?" Renji asked, pointing out the scattered grouped papers on the ground.

"I'm not touching those." Hitsugaya simply answered continuing walking in the direction she brought them.

- - -

It had been only a week after the strange girl had been placed under him as vice captain and she had already begun tainting his perfectly balanced and wonderful life. Almost every time she came into the office there was some loud mouth shinigami with her. Sometimes they were even rookies! Whenever she was in the office without anyone other then him to keep her company she would try to braid his hair! So far she had managed to do so about four times. However he'd usually get annoyed and tell her to do her paper work. Sure, she did her paper work. But she answered them all in riddles! In one paper instead of saying she was from the 10th division she wrote down; "10 000 000 x 10-6 ?" or the time when they asked what subject they specialize in, instead of writing down "kidou", "healing" or "fighting" she wrote down; "There are 4 things wrong in this sentance, wat are they? (once you figure that one out come and ask me and I'll tell you what we specialize in.)" When he gave in his papers he would always get some cold glares from the people who had to solve them, which really didn't help the fact that this had been one of his hardest weeks he's had to endure.

He sat there, slouching at his desk going through the cruel things he's had to put up with that week. He groaned. He remembered that it was all Matsumoto's fault this was happening not to mention she was one of the vice captains helping prepare for the war.

"This is going to be a rough year …" he thought, knowing that he'd have to prepare with a nutcase.

Izumi walked through the door. This time alone. She looked at Hitsugaya with the slight hint of concern.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Her tone didn't carry the concern her face did. Hitsugaya sighed. He knew that she would use anything to change the subject. She was most likely going to use his terrible week to her advantage to not do work.

"Just get to work …" he said, taking a deep breath.

She raised her eye brow and sat down on the side of the desk he was working at.

"I've only known you for a little while and I can already tell that you're very single minded." He clenched his jaw, where was she going with this? "Single minded enough to forget that I've already done my paper work." She said pointing to her desk and the non-existent pile of paper work.

"You look like you're tired." She said cocking her head to the side, giving her the expression of a small child. Hitsugaya just raised his eyebrow at her and sighed. He didn't have the time nor the patience to have a pointless conversation that would goes no where with the girl. So he didn't answer. She looked a bit agitated; she obviously didn't like the fact that he was ignoring her.

"Okay fine. I'll leave." She said getting off of his desk and walking to the door. He didn't bother watch her, he knew that that would bring unwanted conversation. "Don't worry though I'll come back with something to stop your head ache." This statement however impressed him, she was perceptive … strange but perceptive.

"I'll bring you birth control pills!" She said with an evil smile and quickly leaving the room.

"What!?" Hitsugaya yelled jumping from his seat.

Moral of this chapter:

Don't have unprotected sex.

(a message from your good ol' friend Meash.)

_Oh yeah … I kinda forgot to add this at the author note at the start … and I'm too lazy to go all the way back up there so I'm writing it here. _

_I will be updating this once every two weeks or so, the latest will be once every month. I've lately had a lack of concentration (hey! It's not my fault I have bad A.D.D. … Attention Deficit … Hey a duck! ) also grade nine has so much homework! Ommigosh! … but sex ed. Is funny … heh … heh … oh yeah … and expect extreme randomness ... and don't worry! Hitsugaya is not pregnant, that was just a great one liner that my kick ass beta came up with … woops … I kinda forgot to tell you about Cassie and Darcie too. I've been forgetting a lot of things today. I have my amazing beta's Cassie and Darcie! Cassie, Darcie and I think of stupid jokes to add in this at school. Then after school Cassie reads it and fixes all my mistakes (which are a lot … heh, heh Zenpachi …) and then Darcie reads it for the sake of reading it and gives me acknowledgement to my brilliance. Well … read my next chapter! 3 (my writing style will change, to Hitsugaya writing in his journal)_

_P.S. If you want to know where I am in my story, feel free to check my website (in my profile)_


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